Breathe in Happiness

Being ill has been teaching me patience; something which I thought I previously had in abundance - wrong. 
My positive thinking has been tested and that came as a surprise. All I can say on that is, 'breathe in happiness and let go of all the rest.' 
The real thing which has kept me sane is my writing. It has been the one thing which gives me solace,  plenty of time available and works anywhere. In bed I open the lap top propped up over my legs and blindly tap the keys. It's great as I don't have to move my arms or hold my posture. If things get too bad there is the dictation function. This has been a huge source of amusement to me because clearly the words I think I'm saying and those that arrive on the page are different. For example, I was talking about a man that had been brought up on a ranch but try reading it as 'branch' - well, it had me in stitches and as we know, 'laughter is the great healer.' I know I should get out more, especially after becoming mesmerised with the escalator, you know how it goes slow when no one's on it and then speeds up...well I'll say no more.
As I've mentioned before, 'cow therapy' is still top of my list and recently what has come to light is my son's psychology of my interest in birds. It's true, I love watching birds, especially in flight. So, it makes sense because according to my son (who I have a great deal of respect) it is the sense of freedom I am attracted to as my own is temporarily limited. I really think he's right. Freedom, spontaneity oh how I long for you again. What keeps you going? Whatever it is, keep doing it.

All Good Things...

In my previous post I talked about weeding - I actually was. As I cleared the weeds, I was indeed clearing my mind of the negative and replacing it with all good things.

The bonus is that the more you do the better you feel and the better the garden looks.

Don't misunderstand, I adapted by kneeling on a mat and slowly moving along. I've not finished but I feel successful that I've made a start and can now benefit from that seemingly small effort. 

Tomorrow looks like rain so perfect time to  relax before visitors at the weekend.

Cow Therapy?

Welcome back!

Have you ever thought of cow therapy? 

After another medical appointment to confirm the 'no diagnosis situation' I was feeling...how shall I put it? Well, you can imagine! 

After a couple of hours, a few tears and some weeding (now there's a metaphor for clearing the mind) I headed out into the countryside. There they were, those huge, beautiful beasts. 

I've been overcoming what I thought was an illogical fear of these fascinating creatures but as they came lumbering closer I was reminded of their curious nature. Leaning closer (from behind a wooden fence of course) I was surprised how jittery they became. After a few moments the cows (and bulls) were jostling to get closer and something quite beautiful happened as we all just stood there looking at each other. A sense of relaxation enveloped our encounter and I for one have been reminded to count my blessings. I'll definitely try it again. Let me know how you get on.

We Have an Opportunity Here!

'Procrastination is the thief of time' 

And that is why I believe it's difficult for us previously busy, energetic individuals to pace ourselves. Our mentality dictates that when we are well or have a bit of energy, we should make the most of it and we do! Unfortunately our bodies feel the brunt of it for now.

'Live for today' 

Where does that fit in to our recovery schedule of 'pacing' ourselves? Just keep trying...yes, I'm trying, right now you can see I'm resting (almost).

What do you think? Is it hard for you too? 

It's an overwhelming time, inconvenient, unpredictable, fluctuating but you know what, no matter how hard it gets, I remind myself that this is my life.

All of us, we still have choices. We can choose how we respond to everything. We have a choice as to how we live each 'well' moment. The difficulties faced are trying to match up our familiar lives (before illness) with our lives now in all their unpredictable glory. Finding that they don't quite go together can create:

Fear

Fear can take over in the dark hours. Will I be able to continue my job, work in the way I'm used to? How am I going to be able to find the energy, maintain my own high expectations of myself and continue to pursue my career? The answer pure and simple is:

Adapt

We will have to seriously consider adapting, even on a temporary basis. We need to listen to our bodies and make that our priority. Just because we no longer fit into a neat box doesn't mean we have to give up. Adapt and survive.

We have an opportunity here! 

So...what are we going to do about it?

The Element of Surprise...

Life has given me a good shake up of late but I'm kicking back...well as much as I can from a resting position. It's hard to accept that my wellness levels are not at a sustainable point. I had hoped that by  eating for health, pacing myself and planning rest breaks I could beat this invisible invader of my life. Clearly I have more work to do on this 'pacing' strategy because for some reason I am crashing.
I'm not going to moan on about how life is unfair, why can't I run like I used to, why can't I perform my usual multitasking...I'm only 44!
Of course at times I want to scream,'Why me?' but the 'why?' is really not the right question. Take this scenario from the other day I mentioned in a previous post. When heading off for a walk, my left knee gave way and kept giving way on every normal walking leg bend. Although it had never happened on that leg before the question was not 'why?' but 'how?' How can I keep going? 
If you can remain calm then anxiety can't creep in and overwhelm you. The element of surprise needs to be your defence. You see, things may take longer, be more tricky. It is not a case of giving in or failing. Using your internal resilience you can find a way to accept what is happening in that moment and react only to that moment. For me, at that moment it meant adjusting my walk. A more important lesson for me personally was about accepting help, literally leaning on my fifteen year old son (support on a downward slope). It was comical and we did laugh. A slow walk home but  my knee adjusted and so did I. 

Laughter is a great healer

No matter what we are going through, what the illness or situation, if in that moment you are struggling either mentally or physically it's important to make adjustments. 
Stop! 
Think!   (Do you really need to be doing those chores right now?)
Listen to your body.   (Can you call someone to help or just to listen to you?)
Right now is what counts.
Take care and listen to you.

A New Day

A New Day

New challenges arrive with the light, streaming through the blind. My mind cries, 'I can do this!' I roll out of bed aware of how my body may let me down as my feet touch the floor.

Things are definitely improving today. I didn't want to whine in my last posts but these past few days have been tough. There have been hours when I've not been able to do anything. Yesterday, late afternoon was the first time I'd been able to go out for a walk since Monday. Of course my left knee was tricky, kept giving way but my son was amazing. At least we were out and as he said, 'Doesn't matter how long it takes, we're out.' I can't help  but smile at his wisdom. We are a determined pair, in all that we set out to do.

When I'm not feeling good, my aim for the day is to write something which could either be a tweet, a blog post or sentence to add to my growing novel. 

The way I see it, is that my body may be struggling but my mind is free to think. I choose my thoughts wisely and invest time in mindfulness and positivity. Things are easier to deal with when you feel calm and relaxed. Smile on the in breathe...

Laughter is a Great Healer

I know every day is a blessing. I'm grateful to wake up and appreciate a new day, of course I am. There is so much I'm grateful for. There's that saying and I know I've said it a lot over the years - 'Well at least we've got our health.' But lately I've been thinking about when you don't have your health. What do we say then?
I know it! 'Think positive, look on the bright side, could be worse...' and I do it, I do think that. 
Without a definite diagnosis doubt creeps in  'Did they miss something?' Human nature creeps in too but then I say 'Stop!' That's where the mindfulness really helps.

Just breathe...

It looks likely that I have a neurological disorder; my autonomic nervous system affecting my bodily systems (cardiovascular, digestive...) maybe stemming from disc degeneration in my thoracic spine (as seen on the MRI). Does the cerebellum being slightly low in my slightly straight cervical spine have a part to play? 

Due to recent recurrent events of pain, muscle weakness and chronic fatigue my GP is referring me to the ME clinic. 

So, six months on, still trying to fight off invisible attacks I have to remain positive and hopeful. 

Laughter is a great healer

For today,  it is not life threatening but I do have to admit, it's really bad for my health. 

If you have ideas on how to overcome or limit these debilitating symptoms I'd love to hear from you.

Thanks, much appreciated, Sue

Mindfulness is a beautiful tool

Mindfulness is a beautiful tool. Jon Kabat-Zin brings meditation into modern medicine. There are even apps to help us and you tube videos too.

At least I'm on the mountain!

This is the first time in my life where my positive mental attitude has not solely overcome a difficulty. I always say, 'mind over matter.' Well, this has me stumped!
I'd like to say I'm metaphorically climbing the mountain. So far I've made it to base camp. Too exhausting to turn back and so far no visible way forward. At least I'm on the mountain! This situation calls for 'release and surrender.' Let's see what happens...I'll just relax and breathe.
Bed rest and meditation for me. 

Little Did I Know...

My son cooked this evening and made sure I had a bowl of vegetables. They tasted great! Of course I just love nuts too need my protein.

I'm eating for health and I think it is working. Yes! I can heal myself I cry. Why not me?
I practice mindfulness, meditation, Reiki and a few yoga poses. I'm a teacher for goodness sake:  of course I can learn to teach myself what I need to be well.

What is it we all say? 

'Life is too short to wait!'

So, I researched the appropriate vegetables, nutrients and liquids and set about pacing myself for wellness. 

Little did I know...

I thought that positivity and mind over matter would see this illness off. After spending most of the day in bed, unable to hang out washing, walk to the nearby shop or lift my eyelids to watch TV I am having doubts. Meditation has helped but in the end the painkillers won and sleep was my salvation today so far.

I am trying to live my life in between the debilitating chronic fatigue and pain but this life is still unfamiliar and unpredictable.  

Do what we can...

It's going to take a while to vent my thoughts. Meanwhile if you happen to come across this, just remember:

People do not cry because they are weak, but because they have been strong for too long.

We will do what we can, when we can and overcome our hurdles. 
By the end of November I had seven further episodes and was unable to go to work.
What was happening to me?

Six Months

This is me in August 2014, on a camping trip with my son. An early walk along the beach. 

You'll see on my profile, 'Be the best you can be...' I do still believe that in spite of having to overcome the variety of difficulties that have arisen during the last few months. The episodes (as I've come to call them) are unpredictable and debilitating. They may last for hours or days. I tell myself to adapt to overcome. It's a struggle, I fight with it but get nowhere so I relax and go with it.

Today, is six months since I collapsed on the stairs at the restaurant. 'Not good,' is what I last remember saying, while my son held my head and as though from a great distance away he said, 'stay calm Mum.' Then I found it hard to breathe and was unable to respond, see or hear very well. The ambulance came. I was able to see again but my legs wouldn't work very well and my speech was slurred. I fell asleep in the ambulance. The paramedics helped me into a gown at the hospital. I had wet myself. I thought I had been sick but there was nothing on my clothes. 
What had happened to me?
We were supposed to be celebrating my Mum's birthday. We'd not had dessert yet. I remembered my throat felt strange, I coughed, my muscles relaxed, my whole body felt odd and I couldn't move. 
Several hours in hospital and released, barely able to walk and exhausted. 'Not a brain tumour and you haven't had a heart attack.' Well of course, that was a relief! 
So, what had happened to me? No further explanation, not even an educated guess. 

The next two days were spent mostly in bed with a terrible migraine. An appointment was made with the Dr who made a referral to a Neurologist. 

My day has not started off well but I have a little more energy now, so I thought I'd begin to blog my thoughts...