I can see clearly now

Dr Wayne Dyer played a significant role in my well being this year. His book, 'I can see clearly now' was bought for my birthday. It is a fabulous memoir of Wayne's deep, intimate and powerful experiences. It's also an introduction to a range of inspiring authors and voices from around the globe that Wayne met during his lifetime. His words lifted me from the darkness of illness. I am grateful each day for life. Rest in peace Wayne.

Anita Moorjani, a great friend of Wayne's wrote her experiences of illness in the book, 'Dying to be me'. Hugely powerful, Anita shares her knowledge of illness, healing, letting go of fear, self love and the 'true magnificence of each and every human being.'
Remember who you are and embrace today.

Today will always be the most important time

My health has improved exponentially over the last few weeks. It's exciting to feel this shift. Can I put it down to the months of eating for health, inspired by Ella's recipes and experiences found in her book, Deliciously Ella.

Perhaps it's the daily undertaking of self massage (to encourage drainage of the lymphatic system) discovered from the ground breaking research of Dr Raymond Perrin (the Perrin technique is now being trialled by the NHS) combined with sessions of cranial osteopathy. Could it be the daily meditation sessions and the progressive development of mindfulness in daily activities? Reiki for balancing and increasing energy (momentous shift after a Reiki share)? Alternative massage treatments (healing and supportive). I'd like to think my positive attitude, drive and determination have played a key role too.

Fundamentally though, commitment has been paramount. My own commitment and the incredible support I've received throughout the year have caused such a shift in my body and mind. I began to trust in myself, let go of any doubts and fears.

I watched TED talks of people coming to terms with illness, improving their lives and most incredibly, overcoming terminal illnesses. I've researched new attitudes in the body's ability to self heal. When Western medicine has no answer we feel alone but with support, love and commitment, something special can happen. In my darkest moments I have received inspiration, hope and deeper clarity. Illness has brought opportunity and a new vision of what life can be like in the future.
Each day I learn something new, I do not procrastinate, I say yes to opportunities, I accept help and I am now in a position to assist others again.
Of course there's always the possibility that I may relapse but then again I may not. Today is for living. We do not know what tomorrow will bring so for today I'm grateful for love, support, health and happiness.
Finding gratitude on a daily basis is a good place to start. Initially, I was grateful to wake up to a new day, a new start. The past is just that, leave it with yesterday. Today will always be the most important time. Try something new today, could even be a new way of thinking. Whatever you do or think today could have the power to positively transform your tomorrows.

Girl in the Dark

Girl in the Dark by Anna Lyndsey is a fabulously written book which I've recently finished and wanted to share. 
It is a true story about Anna whose life in the dark is due to an extreme sensitivity to light. For Anna, the unthinkable did happen.  Through her words we become heartily aware of her remarkable attitude, perseverance and ability to adapt. 

Thank you Anna for sharing your story with the world.

Shaft of light

Fatigue was hot on my trail this morning but I couldn't let it have me. Before my vision would become too blurry I carefully negotiated the sparse county road to a most valuable destination; to spend time with a friend. How wonderful, I made it and still standing, still cognitively behaving. 
My lovely friend welcomed me into her family home and family life. I am so grateful for those beautiful exchanges today and for the wonder of her grandchildren. Children engaged and playing remind us all to just live a little bit more in the shaft of light that is joy. So yes I exchanged my flip flops for a trampoline. How light I felt standing centre, being bounced. The feeling of lightness devoid of additional effort is worth remembering when I next meditate.
I'm sure in the little boys faces I  glimpsed a look of curiosity as their faces reflected  mine lighting up like a Christmas Tree. There is no doubt about it, joy is a most delightful contagion.
For a few moments we passed the time lying beneath the spouting willow, while the sun played hide and seek. We crawled out lazily from the bouncing cocoon and found bees, butterflies, birds nesting and of course, a football. Of course I knew I'd not be able to resist a little game although I did sit down and become a 'watcher', 'audience' 'spectator' yes the words had begun to elude me at this point. My mind like the centre of a beautiful art card, 'left blank for your own message'. I would've laughed but for the arrival of tears leaking out of the corners of my eye. You're right, I told myself (quietly of course) you've had your time and you still need to drive home so although I, the me that is still buried within these layers of symptoms and fatigue did not want to leave. I did leave. Rest is a most demanding companion but I wouldn't be without it just yet. Childlike in many ways, I still find joy in the smallest of things and yes when I'm over tired these days I'm likely to have tears.

Capacity for Change

Something significant has emerged in my recent thinking which is partly why I’ve not added any further posts, until now. I was developing clarity on the matter. It feels like a startling revelation to my inner consciousness. The words I previously spoke, about considering illness or change as an opportunity to embrace, have now taken on greater depth and inherent clarity.

I am not ‘In Limbo’ . 

Acceptance creates freedom

These last months have not seen me while away my hours totally in a limbo state. Acceptance has been the key to unlocking a sense of peace. Since my total acceptance of having an undiagnosed illness and knowing that a solution or cure was not imminent I turned to myself. When there is nothing else, there is still Self. Can you sit quietly and listen to the sounds around you without thinking about what to do next? Take away the words should and could. There is only now. Jon Kabat-Zinn assists in how to use mindfulness in an otherwise chaotic world. His audio tapes are valuable when our own minds are struggling to focus. His voice encourages us into a healing state of meditation. When the mind is calm the body can begin to rest, to heal even.

You can change your life

When we inspire ourselves with uplifting quotes and images, we find a way to release negative emotions and fill the void with hope and positivity. These emotions are essential for our wellness. Laugh more than you cry. Love more than you dislike. This next one is far more difficult but if you can find a way to replace hate for forgiveness then you are likely to find the key to unlocking your own success. We know that hate breeds negativity, darkness, bitterness and despair. How can we move forward with the very acts that create the feelings of hatred? It is hard. Forgiveness is not so much about the perpetrator but it is about us. Those at the end of our hatred rarely feel it and the only harm being done is to ourselves. However we get there, the fact remains that through forgiveness we can experience greater emotional healing and the growing of the life that we were meant to have.

Being a Reiki Practitioner, I have witnessed the ease of many people’s difficulties and each time been in awe of the beauty contained within each of us to begin to heal ourselves. For me, Western Medicine has an essential role but when it reaches its outer limits there is only that which is contained within each of us that can help and we really can. 

For a while, in the depths of illness, I found it difficult to concentrate, difficult to meditate or get the energy flowing. Over time and there’s certainly been a lot of that, I have deepened my practice of mindfulness and other meditation techniques. Without realising I alleviated my anxiety which was a response to the distressing symptoms and reactions my body was having. I’m certain now that it has also prevented me from dipping into a downward spiral of depression.

Find joy in the small things

Physically, life currently remains a challenge but something that Dr Wayne Dyer says in his book, I Can See Clearly Now, sums up the very thing that I realise has altered and positively affected my mental outlook: When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. Yes, life is different but with a positive outlook this time of my life has become an opportunity. My motto used to be mind over matter but now I take heed of my body and it’s needs too. Deepening my understanding of illness in others and the effects on everyday life has been profoundly enlightening. 

From A Guide to Rational Living by Dr Ellis, I’ll leave you with this thought, We are responsible for the way we feel and have within us the capacity to change the way we view the events in our lives.

Recover Your Life

Out here there is no waiting...

Waiting in a queue can sometimes feel like forever but we wait for the promise of what is to come. Waiting for news of our health is difficult though because we do not know what is to come. Do we have to wait? Isn't life for the living? Yes, of course, remember; where there's life theres hope. Find a way to live now! This is it folks, we won't get this time back.
It's so important to align our thoughts with positivity and I know you're wondering how can we do that with symptoms which can overwhelm us at the drop of a hat, when day to day living is a struggle?
There is a way for each of us to adapt and no, I did not want to adapt for the first few months and in my heart I long to be like the person I was before; with lots of energy, spontaneity and adventures. Realistically though, after several months and no quick fix I am learning to accept my situation and look for ways to enjoy life, to adapt without making my health problems more debilitating.
Throughout this experience and that's how I'm seeing it (for the most part) I have meditated and sometimes I've needed it a few times throughout the day, I use Reiki which I have intuitively adapted for my personal healing,  taking into account my new situation, combining both the Earth energy and Universal energy, I have enjoyed healing massage therapy, I continue to use visualisation and have faith. Emotionally, it is working and I am stronger. I read a lot of uplifting stories, self development and success stories. I watch for inspiration on You Tube, listen to audio books such as Think and Grow Rich, enjoy meditation apps or CDs such as Jon Kabat-Zinn, which

I blend the spinach raw

are so energising and can help us focus when we are struggling with bad days.
My ultimate aim is to help my body to alter at a deeper level so that it will continue to heal itself so I continue to eat a more thoughtful diet that resonates with my bodily needs. Diagnosed with IBS in my teens I have been aware of trigger foods so wheat, yeast, egg and milk are kept to a bare minimum. Already using dairy free milk, my favourite is the coconut or almond milk, not too many changes have been made. Spinach I already loved and used wholeheartedly. I eat more dark green, leafy vegetables, wholegrain rice, mostly plant based foods, whole grains and lean protein. The biggest change is the way I eat: I eat small amounts and more frequently. This way my digestive system is not having to work too hard, I do not choke as much, tiredness is kept at bay and my jaw does not ache from chewing.
This fabulous book called, 'Deliciously Ella' was given to me by friends and it has been an uplifting delight to read how someone else has adapted their life for the better and out of it come some truly delicious recipes.
My all time favourite from Ella's book is the recipe for Apple Puree. 
I was recently bought a food mixer/ blender and eating healthily is so much easier. One of the best things I've done is cut out sugar and replace it with pure honey and maple syrup. Try blending a banana, dairy free milk, maple syrup, raw cocao powder and cinnamon - delicious!
That's all for now. Would love to hear and share your experiences which are helping you to recover your life. Email me at wildthymestudio@gmail.com

Free your mind

A long road ahead 

It can feel like a long road ahead when you're not feeling well. For me, when I was able to get out yesterday, the sea air had an energising effect on my mind. I really hope my experience can help you too:

By simply sitting or laying on the beach, or whatever works for you, let your mind become still. Let your negative thoughts go with the breeze, I mean really let them go, with commitment and deep intention. Then fill up on the cleansing air now surrounding you.

Release negative thoughts

You will already begin to feel a sense of freedom. Breathe deeply, filling your mind with all the good things you want for yourself such as happiness, wellness, love and so on. Remember you are free to choose your thoughts so invest wisely. It's important to really feel the moment. Release negative or unwanted thoughts. This time should not be hurried. You are worth the time it takes to feel well. I believe that the key lies in focussing on the wellness instead of the illness. It's a shift in focus that can begin to make a world of difference to our minds. It can bring about peace and calm. The body is an incredible vessel and as we know, can heal itself from cuts, bruises and many known illnesses. Doctors can take the burden of worry from our own minds to investigate our ailments. They are the medically trained.  Let us however, focus on the job of helping our body function with positivity, good intentions, mindfulness and wellness. 

Free your mind

Breathe in Happiness

Being ill has been teaching me patience; something which I thought I previously had in abundance - wrong. 
My positive thinking has been tested and that came as a surprise. All I can say on that is, 'breathe in happiness and let go of all the rest.' 
The real thing which has kept me sane is my writing. It has been the one thing which gives me solace,  plenty of time available and works anywhere. In bed I open the lap top propped up over my legs and blindly tap the keys. It's great as I don't have to move my arms or hold my posture. If things get too bad there is the dictation function. This has been a huge source of amusement to me because clearly the words I think I'm saying and those that arrive on the page are different. For example, I was talking about a man that had been brought up on a ranch but try reading it as 'branch' - well, it had me in stitches and as we know, 'laughter is the great healer.' I know I should get out more, especially after becoming mesmerised with the escalator, you know how it goes slow when no one's on it and then speeds up...well I'll say no more.
As I've mentioned before, 'cow therapy' is still top of my list and recently what has come to light is my son's psychology of my interest in birds. It's true, I love watching birds, especially in flight. So, it makes sense because according to my son (who I have a great deal of respect) it is the sense of freedom I am attracted to as my own is temporarily limited. I really think he's right. Freedom, spontaneity oh how I long for you again. What keeps you going? Whatever it is, keep doing it.

All Good Things...

In my previous post I talked about weeding - I actually was. As I cleared the weeds, I was indeed clearing my mind of the negative and replacing it with all good things.

The bonus is that the more you do the better you feel and the better the garden looks.

Don't misunderstand, I adapted by kneeling on a mat and slowly moving along. I've not finished but I feel successful that I've made a start and can now benefit from that seemingly small effort. 

Tomorrow looks like rain so perfect time to  relax before visitors at the weekend.

Cow Therapy?

Welcome back!

Have you ever thought of cow therapy? 

After another medical appointment to confirm the 'no diagnosis situation' I was feeling...how shall I put it? Well, you can imagine! 

After a couple of hours, a few tears and some weeding (now there's a metaphor for clearing the mind) I headed out into the countryside. There they were, those huge, beautiful beasts. 

I've been overcoming what I thought was an illogical fear of these fascinating creatures but as they came lumbering closer I was reminded of their curious nature. Leaning closer (from behind a wooden fence of course) I was surprised how jittery they became. After a few moments the cows (and bulls) were jostling to get closer and something quite beautiful happened as we all just stood there looking at each other. A sense of relaxation enveloped our encounter and I for one have been reminded to count my blessings. I'll definitely try it again. Let me know how you get on.

We Have an Opportunity Here!

'Procrastination is the thief of time' 

And that is why I believe it's difficult for us previously busy, energetic individuals to pace ourselves. Our mentality dictates that when we are well or have a bit of energy, we should make the most of it and we do! Unfortunately our bodies feel the brunt of it for now.

'Live for today' 

Where does that fit in to our recovery schedule of 'pacing' ourselves? Just keep trying...yes, I'm trying, right now you can see I'm resting (almost).

What do you think? Is it hard for you too? 

It's an overwhelming time, inconvenient, unpredictable, fluctuating but you know what, no matter how hard it gets, I remind myself that this is my life.

All of us, we still have choices. We can choose how we respond to everything. We have a choice as to how we live each 'well' moment. The difficulties faced are trying to match up our familiar lives (before illness) with our lives now in all their unpredictable glory. Finding that they don't quite go together can create:

Fear

Fear can take over in the dark hours. Will I be able to continue my job, work in the way I'm used to? How am I going to be able to find the energy, maintain my own high expectations of myself and continue to pursue my career? The answer pure and simple is:

Adapt

We will have to seriously consider adapting, even on a temporary basis. We need to listen to our bodies and make that our priority. Just because we no longer fit into a neat box doesn't mean we have to give up. Adapt and survive.

We have an opportunity here! 

So...what are we going to do about it?

The Element of Surprise...

Life has given me a good shake up of late but I'm kicking back...well as much as I can from a resting position. It's hard to accept that my wellness levels are not at a sustainable point. I had hoped that by  eating for health, pacing myself and planning rest breaks I could beat this invisible invader of my life. Clearly I have more work to do on this 'pacing' strategy because for some reason I am crashing.
I'm not going to moan on about how life is unfair, why can't I run like I used to, why can't I perform my usual multitasking...I'm only 44!
Of course at times I want to scream,'Why me?' but the 'why?' is really not the right question. Take this scenario from the other day I mentioned in a previous post. When heading off for a walk, my left knee gave way and kept giving way on every normal walking leg bend. Although it had never happened on that leg before the question was not 'why?' but 'how?' How can I keep going? 
If you can remain calm then anxiety can't creep in and overwhelm you. The element of surprise needs to be your defence. You see, things may take longer, be more tricky. It is not a case of giving in or failing. Using your internal resilience you can find a way to accept what is happening in that moment and react only to that moment. For me, at that moment it meant adjusting my walk. A more important lesson for me personally was about accepting help, literally leaning on my fifteen year old son (support on a downward slope). It was comical and we did laugh. A slow walk home but  my knee adjusted and so did I. 

Laughter is a great healer

No matter what we are going through, what the illness or situation, if in that moment you are struggling either mentally or physically it's important to make adjustments. 
Stop! 
Think!   (Do you really need to be doing those chores right now?)
Listen to your body.   (Can you call someone to help or just to listen to you?)
Right now is what counts.
Take care and listen to you.

A New Day

A New Day

New challenges arrive with the light, streaming through the blind. My mind cries, 'I can do this!' I roll out of bed aware of how my body may let me down as my feet touch the floor.

Things are definitely improving today. I didn't want to whine in my last posts but these past few days have been tough. There have been hours when I've not been able to do anything. Yesterday, late afternoon was the first time I'd been able to go out for a walk since Monday. Of course my left knee was tricky, kept giving way but my son was amazing. At least we were out and as he said, 'Doesn't matter how long it takes, we're out.' I can't help  but smile at his wisdom. We are a determined pair, in all that we set out to do.

When I'm not feeling good, my aim for the day is to write something which could either be a tweet, a blog post or sentence to add to my growing novel. 

The way I see it, is that my body may be struggling but my mind is free to think. I choose my thoughts wisely and invest time in mindfulness and positivity. Things are easier to deal with when you feel calm and relaxed. Smile on the in breathe...

Laughter is a Great Healer

I know every day is a blessing. I'm grateful to wake up and appreciate a new day, of course I am. There is so much I'm grateful for. There's that saying and I know I've said it a lot over the years - 'Well at least we've got our health.' But lately I've been thinking about when you don't have your health. What do we say then?
I know it! 'Think positive, look on the bright side, could be worse...' and I do it, I do think that. 
Without a definite diagnosis doubt creeps in  'Did they miss something?' Human nature creeps in too but then I say 'Stop!' That's where the mindfulness really helps.

Just breathe...

It looks likely that I have a neurological disorder; my autonomic nervous system affecting my bodily systems (cardiovascular, digestive...) maybe stemming from disc degeneration in my thoracic spine (as seen on the MRI). Does the cerebellum being slightly low in my slightly straight cervical spine have a part to play? 

Due to recent recurrent events of pain, muscle weakness and chronic fatigue my GP is referring me to the ME clinic. 

So, six months on, still trying to fight off invisible attacks I have to remain positive and hopeful. 

Laughter is a great healer

For today,  it is not life threatening but I do have to admit, it's really bad for my health. 

If you have ideas on how to overcome or limit these debilitating symptoms I'd love to hear from you.

Thanks, much appreciated, Sue

Mindfulness is a beautiful tool

Mindfulness is a beautiful tool. Jon Kabat-Zin brings meditation into modern medicine. There are even apps to help us and you tube videos too.

At least I'm on the mountain!

This is the first time in my life where my positive mental attitude has not solely overcome a difficulty. I always say, 'mind over matter.' Well, this has me stumped!
I'd like to say I'm metaphorically climbing the mountain. So far I've made it to base camp. Too exhausting to turn back and so far no visible way forward. At least I'm on the mountain! This situation calls for 'release and surrender.' Let's see what happens...I'll just relax and breathe.
Bed rest and meditation for me. 

Little Did I Know...

My son cooked this evening and made sure I had a bowl of vegetables. They tasted great! Of course I just love nuts too need my protein.

I'm eating for health and I think it is working. Yes! I can heal myself I cry. Why not me?
I practice mindfulness, meditation, Reiki and a few yoga poses. I'm a teacher for goodness sake:  of course I can learn to teach myself what I need to be well.

What is it we all say? 

'Life is too short to wait!'

So, I researched the appropriate vegetables, nutrients and liquids and set about pacing myself for wellness. 

Little did I know...

I thought that positivity and mind over matter would see this illness off. After spending most of the day in bed, unable to hang out washing, walk to the nearby shop or lift my eyelids to watch TV I am having doubts. Meditation has helped but in the end the painkillers won and sleep was my salvation today so far.

I am trying to live my life in between the debilitating chronic fatigue and pain but this life is still unfamiliar and unpredictable.  

Do what we can...

It's going to take a while to vent my thoughts. Meanwhile if you happen to come across this, just remember:

People do not cry because they are weak, but because they have been strong for too long.

We will do what we can, when we can and overcome our hurdles. 
By the end of November I had seven further episodes and was unable to go to work.
What was happening to me?

Six Months

This is me in August 2014, on a camping trip with my son. An early walk along the beach. 

You'll see on my profile, 'Be the best you can be...' I do still believe that in spite of having to overcome the variety of difficulties that have arisen during the last few months. The episodes (as I've come to call them) are unpredictable and debilitating. They may last for hours or days. I tell myself to adapt to overcome. It's a struggle, I fight with it but get nowhere so I relax and go with it.

Today, is six months since I collapsed on the stairs at the restaurant. 'Not good,' is what I last remember saying, while my son held my head and as though from a great distance away he said, 'stay calm Mum.' Then I found it hard to breathe and was unable to respond, see or hear very well. The ambulance came. I was able to see again but my legs wouldn't work very well and my speech was slurred. I fell asleep in the ambulance. The paramedics helped me into a gown at the hospital. I had wet myself. I thought I had been sick but there was nothing on my clothes. 
What had happened to me?
We were supposed to be celebrating my Mum's birthday. We'd not had dessert yet. I remembered my throat felt strange, I coughed, my muscles relaxed, my whole body felt odd and I couldn't move. 
Several hours in hospital and released, barely able to walk and exhausted. 'Not a brain tumour and you haven't had a heart attack.' Well of course, that was a relief! 
So, what had happened to me? No further explanation, not even an educated guess. 

The next two days were spent mostly in bed with a terrible migraine. An appointment was made with the Dr who made a referral to a Neurologist. 

My day has not started off well but I have a little more energy now, so I thought I'd begin to blog my thoughts...